The first official TTF entry happens to come directly from the workplace. Imagine that. So grab a pop, or a soda, or a soda pop, or a coke, or a beer. Pull up a chair.

The setup

I drive a motorcycle. It’s a 700cc* Yamaha FZ-07. It weighs just shy of 400lbs. Motorcycles make me happy. Every morning on my way to work I say to myself, “Don’t take the exit. Just don’t. Just keep going. Just keep riding because you’re great and motorcycles are great you just need to stay in this happiness for a bit longer.” Yet for all logical reasons the blinkers come on and after a few maneuvers and good morning hand signals to those that don’t know how to merge into traffic… I safely exit the expressway and soon after that I am at work.

Usually, when I get to work, all of the good parking spaces are gone except for the handicap spaces. We have 123 million handicap parking spots and not nearly enough handicap people though I suspect that near the end of this we qualify maybe three additional people for those damn slots.

If you ride a motorcycle then you know how it feels to park in an actual parking spot and think, “I hope someone doesn’t come flying through the lot, wheeling into this spot, wrecking my shit because they assumed it is empty. ” It’s unnerving. People tend to be distracted by many different things so when it’s not comfortable to park in a HUGE parking space then I look for other options.

• The first spot to look for is in a designated motorcycle area. Which we don’t have. Officially
• The 2nd preference is that you can park next to a group of bikes because it’s safer. Riders tend to flock together. We look out for each other. We’re like Canadian Geese about our bikes. You wanna run all up in this gaggle? I don’t think so. Not unless you got bread to pay for all the shit you’re gonna be in. (*That’s just a metaphor. Please note not to ever refer to a group of riders as a gaggle.*)
• The 3rd option is to park with the backwheel to a curb that’s safely away from traffic.
• The 4th option is to ride up on the sidewalk if it’s big enough and, preferably, keep the bike away from foot traffic. If it’s out of the way it doesn’t bother anyone.

Now where I live…

it’s not a big deal to park on the sidewalk. It’s not a foreign concept here. The key thing to remember is that I park on the sidewalk, as suggested by security, next to the bike rack where another occasional rider likes to park. It is an unofficial parking space and for a year now I’ve parked ON the sidewalk.

About two months ago we relocated to a different side of the building. On that side of the building is a space that is perfect for my motorcycle.

It’s an extended portion of the sidewalk that’s easily three times the width of the other, it is safely away from both vehicle and foot traffic, and the cherry… it has a curb that separates it from the loading dock behind it.

It exists away from an area that is clearly marked as ineligible for parking. It is unmarked. And because it’s unmarked, every single day, there is a vehicle parked in that space. Yes. It’s wide enough for a 4 wheeled utility vehicle to park there.

So guess where I park?

I park there for almost two months. Three weeks ago security comes to me and says, “Hey, the guy that drives the fleet vehicle asks if you could park closer to the fire hydrant so that there’s still room to pull up on sidewalk.” SURE! We can both fit in there easily. I was playing it safe by staying away from the hydrant but his suggestion made sense; They park right up on it. Fuck a fire. So why shouldn’t I?

At first I’m hesitant so the next day I parked by the bike racks. As I’m walking by, I see a guy in the dock area and I apologize like “hey sorry for taking your spot!” He reassures me it’s no biggie. People park there all the time. Don’t mention it. So fuck it… I start hugging the hydrant. I’m so close to it that, were I a dog, I could hike a leg up and piss on it without dismounting the bike.

So imagine my surprise today, as I’m leaving work, when I notice that I have received a ticket from corporate security for being improperly parked. I march right over the the security desk and I ask them about the ticket. They say, “Yes. It’s because you parked on the sidewalk.” I pause because I’m trying to prevent blood from shooting out of my nose and I ask where did they want me to park?

Him: “I bet they want you to park over there on the sidewalk.”
Me: “On the sidewalk over there rather than…”
Him: “Yeah. Over there.”
Me: “but… they’re both sidewalks. Is it because I’m by a hydrant?”
Him: “Nope.” *he had just got off of the phone with them* “They said it has nothing to do with the hydrant.”
Me: “So is it that they don’t want a vehicle on the sidewalk?”
Him: “Well…” *he starts to think about it*

W.hat

T.ha

F

I’ll tell you. Are you ready for it? Here it is: somebody didn’t want me parking there and rather than ask security to ask me to move, they figured they’d make it look legit by having security write me a ticket for improper parking so that they could park there improperly.

THAT’S THE FUCK!

The security guy immediately sees my point as we’re articulating the sequence of events. He knows it’s not about the sidewalk because there’s just one big ol fuckin problem with that: Tomorrow, when I get to work, there’s going to be a vehicle in that spot because there’s been one there for four damn YEARS.

It’s not like I was parked in a marked off area. There aren’t any signs or ground markings. You can’t give me a ticket for parking on the sidewalk with the recommendation that I go park…

ON ANOTHER MOTHER FUCKING SIDEWALK…

HOLEY SHIT (not holy) I mean this whole pile of rubbish is so full of holes that it’s like a damn sponge soaking up all of the reasonably fluid logic.

Let’s recap I mean first of all… the sidewalk. Secondly, I was willing to move. A fleet guy told me I was cool. Security asked me to park closer to the hydrant. Don’t you think that in the course of all of this excess human interaction that one person with even raisin sized balls could squeak and say, “Hey umm… could you not?” Yes Stewart Little. Yes. It’s not a big deal. Instead I get bullshit and nobody can be honest about it. What policy did I break? What rule did I break? It’s apparently not PARKING ON THE SIDEWALK if you’re telling me to PARK ON THE SIDEWALK.